For many people, the holiday season inspires feelings of belonging, connection, and joy, but for others, it is a time of increased sadness, loneliness, and depression.
While there is no single reason for holiday depression, the season does seem to contain these triggers for sadness: family conflict and dysfunction, heightened feelings of loneliness, additional expenses, unrealistic expectations, changes in diet, and increasingly cold, dark winter days.
If you feel sadness during the holidays, you aren’t alone. While some years bring very happy Christmases, it’s perfectly normal to experience grief, depression, or sadness during other years. If this year feels a little gloomy for you, try these practices to add more bright spots to your holidays:
* Ask yourself questions.
Rather than stumble into the season feeling pressured and overwhelmed, pause and make a plan. Conduct an examination of your feelings by asking yourself these types of questions:
* Who do I want to spend time with this holiday season?
* How much money is realistic for me to spend?
* Which gatherings or events do I wish to participate in?
* What steps can I take to keep my mind, body, and spirit healthy?
Raising and responding to these types of inquiries will create clarity and guide you to experience the holidays in a way that is most enjoyable.
Research shows that the more social media you use, the more likely you are to suffer from anxiety or depression. While it’s hard to measure exactly why social media can produce life dissatisfaction, one likely reason is comparison. We see posts of individuals at their best: the way they look, their exotic travels, who they are dating, their happy times. Then we compare the reality of our lives to their ideal presentations. This naturally generates anxiety, sadness, and depression. Maintain your mental health by limiting social media access or even taking a break from it during the holidays.
Sometimes family can lift you up, but sometimes they can pull you down. If family get-togethers seem to bring up your family’s old bad habits—such as sibling rivalry, insults, or passive-aggressive behavior—anticipate which people and events may bring out the negative. Being aware can help you go in prepared and determined not to get involved in destructive patterns.
“Family conflicts can resurface during the holiday season,” says Deborah Serani, PsyD, a psychologist and author of several books on depression. Serani suggests finding clever ways to avoid old behavioral patterns, if necessary: “Be creative with seating, or invite people to different occasions at different times.”
The holidays provide heightened opportunities for spending time with family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues. To balance out all the socialization, be sure to plan quiet time to recharge.
“Solitude allows us space to think, to reflect, to unwind, to avoid outer influences,” writes Anna Brones in her book Live Lagom: Balanced Living, the Swedish Way. “In our ever-connected world, we are rarely alone, and when we are it can be easy to do things that keep us social, like emailing and texting. [Solitude] doesn’t mean you need to walk into the wild woods for a week, but do something that allows you to tune out the rest of the world. Give yourself the space for solitude.”
There may be some events you have interest in attending but hesitate going to because you aren’t sure if it will be a pleasant experience or not. Consider giving it a try, but have an exit strategy. If you’re afraid you’ll get stuck in an uncomfortable setting for hours, remember that it’s OK to offer a reason why you need to leave early, whether it’s to let the dog out or to get some rest before a big day at work. Also, try drop-in events, which allow you to pace your visit and linger as briefly or as long as you’d like.
In addition to all of the holiday social obligations, you may also have extra year-end work or family responsibilities to manage. This overload can cause you to give up the very routines that keep you healthy and happy.
“Take care of yourself,” advises family therapist Mark Sichel, author of Healing from Family Rifts. “Do your regular routines of exercise and whatever keeps you together during the year.”
As much as possible, maintain your normal eating habits, schedule, and routine. If you’ve agreed to attend social events, be intentional about how much you eat, and don’t sacrifice your much-needed sleep. Waking up tired or exhausted will only add to your fatigue, reduce your energy level, and leave you in a sad or bad mood.
Giving of your time and talents is a year-round mood booster that is especially meaningful around the holidays.
“Volunteering will help you feel connected to others and stave off loneliness and depression. It boosts your self-esteem and takes the focus off of your own problems,” says Michael Craig Miller, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Research reveals that volunteering is also associated with lower blood pressure, greater well-being, and a longer life.
Some creative volunteering opportunities include providing childcare, offering driving services for an elderly person, running errands for a housebound neighbor, doing home maintenance for a family in need, or offering translation services if you are fluent in another language.
Knowing that he would be alone during the holidays, Daniel, a 24-year-old graduate student, found a creative way to volunteer: transporting rescue animals. “I love animals and saw an opportunity to be a ‘rescue relay’ driver,” he says. “That means I drive cats and dogs from high-kill shelters to no-kill shelters, as well as to foster homes and adopters. It’s immensely satisfying.”
Give yourself quality quiet time for prayer or inspirational reading. Maintaining spiritual strength will prevent you from becoming easily upset or frustrated during the rushed holidays. You can’t control all of the sad or unpleasant things that happen, but you can control how you respond. Fortifying yourself with prayer and encouraging Bible verses is one way to be calm and strong no matter what happens. Reading the Christmas story from the Bible is also a nice reminder of the joy behind the holidays.
The holidays don’t have to be perfect to be good. “You won’t get everything you want, things will go wrong, and you won’t feel like Bing Crosby singing ‘White Christmas,’” says author and psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD. “Remember that everything doesn’t have to be perfect, and don’t worry about things that are out of your control.”
Accept that you may feel sadness, grief, or disappointment during the holidays, but don’t allow those feelings to drive you into deep hopelessness and despair. Choose to do things that help you manage your feelings, rather than letting your feelings manage you. As you do this, you will keep the door open for a little more joy during the holidays.
Victor Parachin writes from Tulsa, Oklahoma.
